At the beginning of the Covid Pandemic I was near the end of a years leave of absence from my Research Support Officer position at UNBC. I was being pulled between my job, parenting and caring for two parents with dementia and had needed some time to figure out how to stepback and set better boundaries and reduce my stress. Several months after my third child was born back in 2010, I began to experience some unsettling phenomena in my life. I was practicing energy healing, working with spirit and dealing with new emotions of anger and frustration that had never been a problem for me before. I have trauma in my past that had never been discussed or dealt with and I could feel my body wanting to release the pain and fear and begin a healing journey. The thing about healing is it doesn't happen overnight and trauma in our body can be a bit like peeling an onion.There are layers and it can get very deep and unsettling before it gets better. My trauma was childhood sexual assault and my time of healing had come.
Back to the Pandemic and why I am starting a blog now. Being home and on a work leave gave me time to think about life and what I wanted to do for the future and who I wanted to be in my life now in the present. In 2010, I experienced a spiritual awakening that the doctors labeled a postpartum psychosis. This event was very valuable to my healing journey as it enabled me to talk with my family about my past trauma and it also allowed me to free my subconscious of the religious programming I received being brought up Catholic. Now that I have come full-circle I can see that my religious upbringing was not necessarily bad in and of itself but combined with my own trauma, the ancestral trauma in my DNA and a family with alcoholism and limited communication skills I can see how there was a lot of emotions and false beliefs trapped in my body and subconscious that I didn't even know were there. In addition I was an unwanted pregnancy, an additional factor that has been shown by science to cause future problems due to the hormones in-utero. The Pandemic gave me a chance to be still, to reflect and to sit in my questions about what had happened in my life and why. I have learned a lot in my life and was always on the go with new projects from school to volunteering to working. I have always become passionate and jumped into projects with both feet and sometimes blindfolded doing everything I could to make this world better and to make life for my family as good as it could possibly be. I needed to let go and take the pressure off myself or I would be breaking down instead of waking up.
I have worked at UNBC for 25 years including my years as a student and have always been a high achiever. I have always strived to do my absolute best and place high expectations on myself in all areas of my life. I was never happy with anything less than an A and I loved to create from scratch...this can be amazing and a lot of fun but also a lot of work. I completed my Bachelors degree in Environmental Science in 2000 and my Master's degree in Natural Resources and Environmental Studies in 2005 when my first child was not quite 4 years old and I was soon to be pregnant with baby number two. I was paid to be both a student and researcher early on with scholarships from NSERC and the Science Council of BC and I can see clearly now that I never stopped being a student or a researcher over the last decade even though I thought I had walked away from my academic career with parenthood becoming my main priority.
This wasn't the first time that I thought I had walked away from a dream. In 1995 I retired as a competitive Freestyle skier when I was cut from the Canadian National Development Team. I had an Olympic dream since I was about ten years old and had worked towards that goal with dedication for ten years. I was invited to compete as a member of the BC Team and I know I would have done well but something was calling me to change my path. I decided to coach skiing part-time for a year while also working full-time at Pacific Western Brewing Company as a Quality Assurance Technician. In August of 1996 I left both of these jobs to marry the love of my life (since I was 16) and start a multidisciplinary educational journey at UNBC to be an Environmental Scientist. I have pursued research in air quality completing, defending and publishing my research results. I have taught a 4th year air pollution class with a research component . I have held several research jobs since graduating including co-coordinating a Health Canada study, assisting with proposal development for a multiple biodiversity projects, writing two successful Canada Research Chair applications and helping to improve equity, diversity and inclusion at UNBC.
I have also been a soccer coach, a ski coach, sold educational toys and environmentally friendly cleaning projects. I have organized a high school 10 year reunion, a freestyle skier reunion, a grad student pub crawl, a few large scale surprise birthday parties, 2 wedding anniversaries and at least 3 very successful fundraising Galas for the Montessori Education Society. I lead a small parent - toddler music group called music munchkins at the local community hall, wrote a chapter for a woman's anthology of healing stories, released an album of spiritual songs and added several other musical creations on Youtube that I got excited about. I have my own business that I work at on and off as clients show up in my life at different times. I have taught music and learned to play the organ, piano, guitar, violin and ukulele and of course probably not last and definitely not the least I love to sing and write songs of inspiration and healing.
Now I sound a bit like I am bragging but it is a very useful practice to look back at your accomplishments and realize that you have achieved a lot. For me it is pretty much everything that I ever set my mind too...well except going to the olympics. And that is where we get to this theory of mine. What if we are always connected to the organizations, lands and people from our past? I know I will also always be rooted in the ancestral lands around my high school, that is now named Shas Ti Kelly Road, where I was born and raised. And since I have now lived in Pineview for 25 years I am rooted to the earth and its history here as well. I believe that on some level, psychically I still contribute to all the organizations from my past including Team Canada and the University Of Northern BC. I believe in the mystical energy that connects us all and the Akashic Records that collects all stories - past, present and future for all dimensions in an energetic library. I believe that even my smallest actions, decisions and thoughts matter. Well no wonder I was overwhelmed before this Pandemic even started.
But now I have come full circle. I have lost dear friends and family members but still feel their presence and sense their thoughts. I know more about the purpose of life and I feel as though I have been chosen for a wisdom journey that not many people get to take. I can see into the past, future and sometimes even multiple dimensions seem very real to me. Sometimes it is the present that I struggle with the most and having those closest to me understand my journey. There are many things that I know for sure and I will write more blog posts about that later. But for now I want to say that I can see clearly that being with my family as much as I can is most important to me and letting go of attachment to my need to make money and be validated for my experience are the last things that I need. I want time to walk in nature with my dogs and sit by the river. And every chance I get to wish on a star, or throw a quarter in a fountain I will make the same wishes. I wish for world peace, for peace in my heart and for all humanity to find joy in the the little pleasures of life that are most important. And finally, I want more than ever for us to always think of the children with every choice that we make because they are the future of this world of ours. Our beautiful Earth is my sister and I will always care deeply for this planet I call home.
Now I offer my music as a tribute to Earth and future generations. Click here to link to my album Awakening Our Spirit on Youtube. You can also view a tribute to the evolution of my family set to my very first song, Evolution, by going to Vocal. Tips and pledges on Vocal can be made to support the recording and release of a second album.
